like beans in the yard, baby

did i mention, out here in septic land, that our garbage disposal is "off limits"?

we have one. nicely installed, and all, in a beautiful 4 foot designer sink. but septic rules dictate that we do not, in fact, actually put said garbage disposal to use.

something about egg shells and coffee grounds and baked beans mucking up the system.

so the other night we attended a 'back to school fish fry" put on by the neighborhood. 112 homes reside in our little gated community so we decided to take a big batch of beans, knowing they can sit out by the pool for a little while before turning bad, like potato salad.

being new here and all, i DID NOT want to be the one responsible for the homicidal potato salad at the back to school fish fry.

so we show up with about 10 gallons of beans, as does everyone else in the neighborhood, and we came home with about 9.75 gallons of beans.

i put some in the fridge and then set the bowl on the counter.

and it sat there. and it sat there. and it sat there.

a couple of days later, john asked me what the "bean plan" was.

"bean plan"?

"bean plan?"

truth is, HONEY, i don't know what to DO with the beans.

can't throw them in the trash. they'll leak and smell before the trash is picked up.

can't put 'em down the garbage disposal 'cause, as i said before, we CAN'T ACTUALLY USE OUR GARBAGE DISPOSAL.

at this point, i'm tempted to just walk the big giant bowl of fermenting beans out to the back, back yard and start flinging them in to the nuclear-fertilized grass with a big giant ladle.

after all, if i actually USED MY GARBAGE DISPOSAL that's where they'd wind up anyway. so, really, i'm just bypassing the system. i'm just accelerating the process.

john, however, thought that might be a bad idea. might ruin all the good will we've built up with our neighbors. the beans are now sitting in his workshop.

Does My Yard Smell Like "Asparagus"?

so this is a conversation about bodily functions.

if the word “pee” offends you, stop reading right now.

you see, when we moved to the texas hill country, the operative term there being “country”, we moved in to a whole new world when it comes to sewage disposal.

we’d always lived on a city sewer system.

flush it and it goes bye bye, without another thought as to what happens from that point forward.

but out here in the country, we bought ourselves a house with a SEPTIC SYSTEM.

which means that after you flush it, it’s still yours to keep.

now, we have an aerobic septic system, which basically turns our sewage into gray water that is then shot out of sprinkler heads and irrigates our backyard.

the way-far-back part of our backyard.

not the swimming in the pool, playing ball, grilling or drinking margaritas part of the backyard.

but the wild and wooly back acre.

which is cool as some summers it gets rather dry down here and i love the fact that we’re actually using our, um, "resources" to keep our yard alive.

it’s very “green” as opposed to using potable drinking water to irrigate a yard.

plus, i like to believe that human urine is a natural snake repellent thereby keeping them far, far away from my backyard.

so my “city” brother from dallas was down to visit a couple of weeks ago and we were explaining the aerobic sprinklers in the backyard.

steven then looked at me and declared “congratulations, you're officially a redneck”.

and then we got on a roll and this is what we concluded:

“If you can fertilize your own yard by pee-ing in the shower, you just might be a redneck.”

so yesterday we had a break in the torrential rains we’ve been experiencing as the result of some tropical depression down in the gulf of mexico.

i was out in the way-far-back part of our backyard watching the water rush through.

we could have kayaked from the front of our property to the back property line.

behind us is “elmer’s place”. rumor has it he’s a crotchety old man who doesn’t like anyone encroaching on his ranch.

which, of course, just makes it all the more tempting to hop the fence and check it out.

15 feet behind our property line, on elmer’s place, this torrent of water disappears over a small ridge into what sounds like a waterfall.

i like waterfalls.

i wanted to see elmer’s waterfall created by the river in my yard.

so as i’m navigating the high spots in the yard, hopping on rocks and logs and working my way back to the fence, the aerobic sprinklers go off.

now, that's something that usually only happens in the middle of the night.

"they" tell me the water coming out is like 98% pure.

but what about the other 2%?

what exactly is that made up of?

‘cause if it’s still got remnants of the asparagus we ate a couple of days ago i certainly don’t want to be hosed down with THAT.

my neighbors happened to be watching as i dodged sprinklers and gullies of waist deep water in my attempt to get back to dry land without getting peed on by my own backyard.

i wasn't successful. so remember, always, always be grateful when you don't smell like asparagus.