Honoring The Fallen

Today I’m thinking about dead deer. Mostly because some deer hunter keeps flinging them out of his pickup truck on to the road leading to my house.

I hate it when deer hunters fling dead deer out of the bed of their pickup trucks on to my road. Seriously, I usually have kids in the car and they’re all SLOW DOWN or RUN IT OVER or CAN WE TAKE IT HOME?

So, in honor of the three dead deer I’m currently enjoying on my road home, I’ve named them. I got this fabulous idea my freshman year in college when Lisa and I enjoyed the rotting corpse of a giant pigeon named Spunky who met his untimely demise on the ledge right outside our unopenable dorm room window.

It’s now a little hobby of mine. Naming dead stuff.

First, we’ve got “The Godfather”.

“The Godfather” is missing his head. Only his head. The rest of his body is sitting on my road while somebody else is enjoying his head. I’m not enjoying his body. If I ever find out who left “The Godfather” to me and my road I will most certainly go all BRANDO on him and sneak what’s left of his body into a certain deer hunters bed.

Next we’ve got “Haggis”.

Hmmmmm. How to describe this fella. Well, let’s start with Scotland.

Haggis is probably the only reason I’ve never visited Scotland. Haggis is like the pizza of Scotland, except it’s made of organ meat and all other kinds of nastiness. And I, personally, find it necessary to say NO NO NO to Haggis. While, at the same time, saying YES YES YES to pizza.

I’m pretty sure the deer hunter who left dead deer on my road isn’t Scottish, OR ELSE HE WOULDN’T BE LEAVING ALL THAT YUMMY ORGAN MEAT TO BLOAT AND DECOMPOSE IN THE SUN ON MY ROAD.

You see what I’m sayin’ here.

BUT WAIT, you ask. WHAT ABOUT THE BUZZARDS? DON’T THEY EAT HAGGIS?

Well, NO. They’re over in front of Elmer’s Place at “#1 Chinese Buffet” completely ignoring THAT.

“#1 Chinese Buffet” or, as we affectionately call him: “Nummawonchineebuffay”.

Mercifully, this guy is covered in buzzards. Big buzzards. I love buzzards. They’re like the little Waste Management crew of the country. And I really love the way they actually stand on top of “Nummawonchineebuffay” while they’re pecking away at him. They’re all jostling elbows and giant beaks. Fighting over the good stuff. Except for Haggis. They don’t like Haggis.

But, big wings and big bodies mean I can let my imagination soar without seeing much more than a hoof and a tuft of fur being tossed in to the air.

In all fairness, “#1 Chinese Buffett” may not have been the victim of my nemesis, the dead deer dumping deer hunter. But given his proximity to “The Godfather” and “Haggis” I’m pretty certain I’m right.

Surprise surprise.

So, here's an open letter to the dead deer dumping deer hunter of Old Fred Road.

STOP IT. There's a good chance I'm driving with my left knee with a serious case of hyper sensitive gag reflex and the last thing I need is to throw up a Filet O' Fish sandwich in my car.

A Change of Scenery

wow, there's nothing like a change of scenery to bring life in to perspective.

as many of you know, 3 weeks ago we packed up our life and moved to the Texas Hill Country. just 'cause we wanted to.

moving is hard work. even with a great support network of a top-notch moving company, efficient service people and family it's still a lot of work to settle in to a new "normal" 1,000 miles from where "normal" was a month ago.

there's so much to be grateful for ... but the most profound experience i've had, to date, in the Texas Hill Country - other than way more armadillo encounters in my backyard than i choose to recount - is the fresh perspective life i've chosen to embrace.

i believe it's because, in many ways, me and my family are WAY outside our comfort zone.

everything is new.

like the cicadas (i.e. locusts) nearly deafening whir at night. i grew up with a locusts so, to me, it's a familiar, almost welcome sound. my kids, however, have experienced nothing more than a bug-less Colorado upbringing.

WHAT'S THAT NOISE? CUZ I DON'T LIKE IT,

and late last evening we were standing in the far-reaches of our backyard, which abutts a working ranch. riley was asking me what lives back there and i was telling her i hoped it was coyotes, which are an armadilloes only natural predator, when a deer went racing past with two coyotes in hot pursuit.

cool.

we were rooting for the deer, by the way, as a hungry coyote is, hopefully, an armadillo-eating coyote.

to put it in john's words, "armadilloes creep me out".

aunt bea says "hey" and, in case you're wondering, armadilloes taste yucky.

Backseat Rules

On Sunday we spent 14 hours in the car with our 10 year old and our 3 year old driving back home to Colorado from the Texas Hill Country. The trip is about a thousand miles and normally takes a good 15 hours but thanks to the “Honda with an attitude” that passed us right in front of the Braums Dairy right outside Dumas, Texas (lovely, just lovely) we drove, um, a “little” over the speed limit through New Mexico. The elevated rate of travel plus the “potty-stops-only-when-you’re-in-pain” rule got us here a full hour faster. Yeah.

Somewhere around Eden, Texas (home of “Venison World” where you can purchase deer meat “homegrown in the Garden of Eden” ... wink wink) those of us who rule from the front seat instituted a new rule for those individuals residing in the back seat.

IF IT ISN’T NECESSARY TO SAY IT, IT’S NECESSARY NOT TO SAY IT

This rule was implemented as Wyatt became enraged at Riley, who dared to LOOK OUT HIS WINDOW.

Riley then retaliated with the “big-giant-bug-eye” move that nearly drove Wyatt wild as he fought to reach her from the constraints of his carseat.

Thankfully they were strapped in to their separate corners.

As you can imagine, there were lots of unnecessary words flying around the backseat ... for about a minute ... before the above referenced rule was instated with authority.

IF IT ISN’T NECESSARY TO SAY IT. IT’S NECESSARY NOT TO SAY IT.

The rest of the trip was butter. Even the chain-smoking gas station attendant meandering through the gas pumps in Raton, New Mexico barely got our pulse up. The kids held hands and sang “kum bay yah” the entire trip ... okay, maybe not, but they DID share some beef jerky.

Anyway, Great Rule.

I plan on breaking it a lot on this blog.