Honoring The Fallen

Today I’m thinking about dead deer. Mostly because some deer hunter keeps flinging them out of his pickup truck on to the road leading to my house.

I hate it when deer hunters fling dead deer out of the bed of their pickup trucks on to my road. Seriously, I usually have kids in the car and they’re all SLOW DOWN or RUN IT OVER or CAN WE TAKE IT HOME?

So, in honor of the three dead deer I’m currently enjoying on my road home, I’ve named them. I got this fabulous idea my freshman year in college when Lisa and I enjoyed the rotting corpse of a giant pigeon named Spunky who met his untimely demise on the ledge right outside our unopenable dorm room window.

It’s now a little hobby of mine. Naming dead stuff.

First, we’ve got “The Godfather”.

“The Godfather” is missing his head. Only his head. The rest of his body is sitting on my road while somebody else is enjoying his head. I’m not enjoying his body. If I ever find out who left “The Godfather” to me and my road I will most certainly go all BRANDO on him and sneak what’s left of his body into a certain deer hunters bed.

Next we’ve got “Haggis”.

Hmmmmm. How to describe this fella. Well, let’s start with Scotland.

Haggis is probably the only reason I’ve never visited Scotland. Haggis is like the pizza of Scotland, except it’s made of organ meat and all other kinds of nastiness. And I, personally, find it necessary to say NO NO NO to Haggis. While, at the same time, saying YES YES YES to pizza.

I’m pretty sure the deer hunter who left dead deer on my road isn’t Scottish, OR ELSE HE WOULDN’T BE LEAVING ALL THAT YUMMY ORGAN MEAT TO BLOAT AND DECOMPOSE IN THE SUN ON MY ROAD.

You see what I’m sayin’ here.

BUT WAIT, you ask. WHAT ABOUT THE BUZZARDS? DON’T THEY EAT HAGGIS?

Well, NO. They’re over in front of Elmer’s Place at “#1 Chinese Buffet” completely ignoring THAT.

“#1 Chinese Buffet” or, as we affectionately call him: “Nummawonchineebuffay”.

Mercifully, this guy is covered in buzzards. Big buzzards. I love buzzards. They’re like the little Waste Management crew of the country. And I really love the way they actually stand on top of “Nummawonchineebuffay” while they’re pecking away at him. They’re all jostling elbows and giant beaks. Fighting over the good stuff. Except for Haggis. They don’t like Haggis.

But, big wings and big bodies mean I can let my imagination soar without seeing much more than a hoof and a tuft of fur being tossed in to the air.

In all fairness, “#1 Chinese Buffett” may not have been the victim of my nemesis, the dead deer dumping deer hunter. But given his proximity to “The Godfather” and “Haggis” I’m pretty certain I’m right.

Surprise surprise.

So, here's an open letter to the dead deer dumping deer hunter of Old Fred Road.

STOP IT. There's a good chance I'm driving with my left knee with a serious case of hyper sensitive gag reflex and the last thing I need is to throw up a Filet O' Fish sandwich in my car.