And This Is Why Wednesday Is My Favorite Day

SMALL TOWN POLICE BLOTTER
VOLUME II

January 21

A woman called deputies after her son found a cross bow.

Oh you silly, silly woman. Because I’m thinking FINDERS KEEPERS and the possibility of buying as few kindergarten birthday party presents as possible. Is it just me or does this sound like an excellent opportunity for REGIFTING?


January 28

A woman reported seeing a man trying to break into her car, but the man, who had just purchased a new pair of sunglasses, told officers he was just looking in the car window to see his own reflection and how he looked in his new sunglasses.

I say ARREST HIM ANYWAY! Just so he has to explain this one OVER and OVER:

“Well, see I just got me some new shades and a moon pie down at the Circle K and I was walking along minding my own dadgum business when I’m all OOOOOOOH, HEY THERE GOOD LOOKIN’ and then I’m all OH DANG THAT’S ME IN THE CAR WINDOW and THEN BAM! I done got myself arrested. I’m so good lookin’ it’s a crime.”


February 10

5:16 pm, Main Street: A woman complained that someone siphoned gas out of her car while she was shopping.

Also known as I’M TOO EMBARRASSED TO ADMIT I RAN OUT OF GAS.

‘Cause really, at 5 o’clock in the afternoon on the busiest street in town some guy’s gonna sidle up to your car with a garden hose in his mouth and suck the gas right out of your car and NOBODY’S GONNA NOTICE?

The only way I’d be buying your story, lady, was if the next police report went something like this:

Caller reported a man with a garden hose in his mouth sucking the gas right out of a car on Main Street down in front of “Antiques and Pickles”. You know that store that sells antiques and pickles? I just love them pickles. Then he lit up a cigarette and blew himself to kingdom come.