Oh Goody, It's Almost Summer

99.9% of the year I could care less when SPORTS ILLUSTRATED arrives in our mailbox. But there’s ONE issue every year that is like SOLID GOLD to this cutting edge fashion goddess:

“THE SWIMSUIT EDITION”

Because, really, without “THE SWIMSUIT EDITION” I would be at a complete and total loss as to the latest styles I should be wearing around the water this summer. And now that we’ve moved to South Texas where summer lasts like 9 months, my swimsuit needs are, indeed, many.

THE POOL

For these days I chose PAGE 44, the bikini bottom paired with nothing but strands and strands of turquoise beads on top.

Kids, after all, love to strap on a mask and dive down after the wads of hair and band aids collecting around the pool drain. This year I’ll be able to keep the party going long after they get bored playing with someone else's hair and band aids by pegging them in the head with giant turquoise beads while they’re playing MARCO POLO with their eyes closed.

THE RIVER

As you know, days on the Guadalupe can be long and hot. Especially when, in the middle of a record-setting drought, you find yourself dragging your inner tube along a gravel road that used to be full of water. Apparently that’s where our summer river fun is headed so for these adventures I’ve selected the white bikini bottom paired with the sheer long sleeved white blouse on PAGE 36.

For extra sun protection on my arms and back, you know.

If the sun becomes unbearable I’ll always have a sensible sun shield for my face by wetting down my blouse with bottled water and tying it around my head like a turban. Plus, there are usually lots of families with young children on the river and I think modesty is in order with the long sleeves and all.

SCHLITTERBAHN, SEAWORLD & SIX FLAGS

Finding the perfect swimsuit for this hat trick of water parks was tough. Living in close proximity to all three parks means we’ll be spending plenty of time in highly concentrated urine water and, as you know, uric acid will fade colors and dissolve the fanny parts on a swimsuit in no time. So the key for this selection was DURABILITY.

That’s why I selected PAGE 56. This beaded and jeweled bikini bottom looks like it could withstand a nuclear attack … or least a couple of 12 pound swim diapers floating loose in the Lone Star Lagoon.

But don’t underestimate the power of the red coral necklace for a top. I have two words for you: CROWD CONTROL.

Remember in the movie CASTAWAY when Tom Hanks gashed his leg open on the coral reef and then he had to knock out his own tooth with an ice skate?

Well, you can see from the central theme of this movie (“CORAL HURTS”) where a swimsuit top of such material might come in handy when you are, ohhhhhh, standing in a very, very long line waiting to ride the Dragon Blaster Uphill Water Coaster.

All I’m sayin’ is that I’m not above cutting my way to the front of the line THE HARD WAY.

THE BEACH

You know, many are feeling the economic pinch these days so when a swimsuit can pull double duty … well, I just feel good about doing my part with fiscal responsibility. That’s why PAGE 42’s loosely woven macramé top seemed like such a logical choice for me, the sunbathing sports fisherwoman.

Modest coverage PLUS a handy fish net to ensure my catch of the day makes it safely in to the boat and on to our dinner table.

LAS VEGAS

While we have no immediate plans to visit Vegas this summer I do believe in planning ahead, just in case. Thankfully we’ve already got a deck of unopened SOUTHWEST AIRLINES playing cards ready to throw in to a suitcase with only a moment’s notice and according to PAGE 144, that’s ALL I WILL NEED to hit the Vegas pools in high fashion. A deck of cards.

BRANSON FAMILY REUNION

While this one piece gold number with the boy legs and giant chest-sized keyhole cutout on PAGE 128 is WAY TOO OLD LADY for my taste, I suspect it’s just the right speed for the Jackson Family Reunion in Branson this summer. After all, I wouldn’t want to risk getting kicked out of Silver Dollar City what with all the banjos, funnel cakes and Hillbilly comedy.

In closing, I do have a big shout out to LITTLE MISS "PAGE 96-97"…

Listen here, where I come from we just call that UNATTRACTIVE PLUMBER’S CRACK and if you showed up around here wearing THAT we would probably laugh behind your back and then take a picture of you to share with the internet at a later date. Like the guy who fixed our sprinkler system back in 1994 while we were building our deck.




And that stuff’s just ridiculous.