What Oscars?

My friend Margaret asked me the other day if I’d seen the movie “Slumdog Millionaires” yet. I almost lied and said yes so I could feel smart and all culturally relevant. But I haven’t seen “Slumdog Millionaires”, I haven’t seen “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” and I haven’t even seen “Frost/Nixon”, in spite of the fact that I minored in political science in college and it's like a rule and all to see films about politics.

In fact, I haven’t seen any of the movies nominated for an Oscar this year.

The last movie I saw in a theater was “Twilight” with Riley. Like a good mother I had informally banned the “Twilight” books from our household on the vague unfounded suspicion that they contained a lot of teenage vampire sex.

Being a 7th grader and all, Riley read the first book anyway and then begged ME to take her to see the movie because all of her friends whose mothers aren’t Puritans straight out of Nathaniel Hawthorne’s “Scarlet Letter” had already seen the movie like 163 times.

As I’m pretty much all about any excuse to eat movie popcorn I figured WHAT THE HECK and off we drove to the Palladium, a tacky Greek-themed movie theater fronted with huge architectural columns. If you squint from the Bass Pro Shops parking lot it’s almost like you’re standing in front of the Parthenon. Which is good as it effectively eliminates the need for an expensive trip to Athens to see the real thing in person.

Riley and I settle in to the Palladium’s luxurious seats with our $37 snack bar haul of popcorn, Coke and baklava and while I had completely intended to spend my quiet time in the movie texting and downloading free applications on to my new iPhone, I found myself reluctantly caught up in the movie.

AND SURPRISE! No sex. No gore. Good story. So much for vague unfounded suspicions. Which is too bad as vague unfounded suspicions have served me quite well throughout my life.

NOT.

Upon returning home I immediately became obsessed with the “Twilight” series, read all four books within a two week span of time from the comfort of the big brown chair on our porch and completely ignored certain things like changing my underwear and saying hello to my kids.

John says I actually hissed if anyone got close to me and my chair during those two long dark weeks but I have absolutely no recollection of that and am pretty sure he’s making it up to punish me for all the time I spend Googling “Robert Pattison” and writing LORI LIST JACKSON PATTINSON over and over in my notebook.

In summary, “Twilight” darn near ruined my life.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about here, you are obviously in dire need of a teenage girl in your household.

They’re good for you.

First, of course, they are like your own personal portal in to the REAL world. After all, the whole “Twilight” hysteria might have passed right underneath my radar had it not been for Riley subliminally injecting “Twilight” into every conversation.

As in MOM I’M HUNGRY CAN I HAVE A HEALTHY twilight APPLE?

Or MOM YOU LOOK ESPECIALLY THIN twilight AND YOUR HAIR IS NOT AS BIG AS USUAL TODAY twilight.

Or MOM WOULD IT BE OKAY IF YOU AND DADDY twilight WENT ON A DATE WHILE I BABYSIT WYATT FOR FREE twilight?

They also build character in you. The Bible says so:

“… but we also rejoice in our sufferings; because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

I was one of those parents who remained convinced my superior parenting skills would allow me to effectively squash any form of rebellion in my child.

Then she turned two.

The other day she gave me the “slow-blink-while-turning-head-the-other-way-before-opening-eyes-again” move which is way more difficult than your basic eye roll and I must admit, I was impressed.

So this, this is what I confessed to Margaret when she asked me if I’d seen “Slumdog Millionaires” yet and she probably got way more information than she bargained for but that’s just the way I like to roll.