Like Getting Hit With A Tranquilizer Dart. Only Not As Funny.

I’m not usually one to watch the Oscars but since we managed to catch “Slumdog Millionaire” before they show it for free on Turner Classic Movies I felt compelled to show up on my couch last night to root for them.

Plus I was really, really hoping to hear Anil Kapoor say “Who wants to be a MILL-luh-NARE?” just ONE MORE TIME.

Now, watching the entire Oscars telecast is a little bit like deciding to read “War and Peace” from cover to cover. In one sitting. It’s a serious commitment of time that may, or may not, involve the use of sequins.

So I settled in on the couch around 6:30 to watch all the pre-Oscars coverage, Red Carpet and all. My first clue the evening was not going to end well was when the bedsores kicked in around 9:30. By then I’d already squirmed through Jennifer Aniston’s painful presentation with Brangelina in the front row and used the foil lid from a blueberry yogurt to give myself a fake gold front tooth just like Mickey Rourke’s.

I don’t think the look really works on either one of us.

About the time the yogurt foil zinged me when it hit a filling in one of my upper bipolar-cuspid-molars I realized there was NO WAY I was going to get a decent night’s sleep, given the hours and hours of inactivity I’d already invested in all the Oscars watching. So I did something that I almost never do given that I’m highly sensitive to anesthesia and turkey - they both make me dangerously sleepy – I took a Tylenol PM.

Just one.

Oh, Tylenol PM what have you done to me? It’s now been 19 hours since I put that pill in to my body and STILL all I want to do is put my hair in a ponytail and go back to bed.

So, if you happened to miss Joaquin Phoenix’s appearance on The David Letterman Show last week (or Ben Stiller's dead-on impression of him last night) because you, oh, HAVE A LIFE, you should watch this video BEFORE YOU INVITE ME TO DINNER AT YOUR HOUSE TONIGHT because it’s entirely possible that THIS is who will show up.



Okay, it would be like having dinner with Joaquin Phoenix except without the facial hair. Although I am sporting a couple of whiskers on my chin with some serious potential of developing into a full-on beard that would make ZZ Top proud.