I Am Extremely Important

And I have the email to prove it. But first, let me set the stage for you.

You see, I’m not really a child of technology. I typed my way through college on a Smith-Corona and the only people I knew with access to the campus computer lab were all studying foreign languages like COBAL and FORTRAN.

Those folks, however, spent very little time shopping at Harold’s or sunbathing on the roof of the Kappa Kappa Gamma house and used their time, instead, to invent the Internet so I didn’t really get to know them too well.

Anyway, I went to work for Fidelity Investments right out of college. Now, before you get all impressed it’s important to note a couple of things:

I was a journalism/political science major so it wasn’t like Fidelity recruited me for any top-notch investment position. I basically begged my way in by agreeing to do this for $14,000 a year: spend 6 months working the graveyard shift, on the phone, answering questions about mutual funds in the middle of the night.

Weird people call in the middle of the night to talk about mutual funds. Trust me on this.

But this Fidelity job was my very first exposure to a COMPUTER and having a COMPUTER comes in handy in the middle of the night when India, as in the whole country, wakes up and everyone with the last name of “Patel” decides to call in at EXACTLY the same time. Just for fun.

So, while you may be a TWITTER expert, I’ve just now hopped on to the TWITTER bandwagon. I have decided to formally blame my mother for this as she gave birth to me in 1964 instead of in 1987.

Now that I’m on TWITTER, though, you should know that I Am Extremely Important. Evidenced by this email I received about an hour ago:


Hi, Lori Jackson (LoriListJackson).

Barack Obama (BarackObama) is now following your updates on Twitter.

Check out Barack Obama's profile here:
http://twitter.com/BarackObama


Best,
Twitter


Yes. You read that right. President Obama is following MY UPDATES on TWITTER!

I’d love to say I plan on using this uniquely personal presidential access wisely to give him my two cents on the economy, healthcare and Guantanamo Bay. But, alas, no.

Rather, I choose to ping him throughout the State of the Union Address tonight with this series of TWITTERS, just to keep the mood light:


8:02 pm
CODE RED CODE RED: TOILET PAPER. ON SHOE. DON’T WORRY. NO ONE WILL NOTICE.


8:11pm
Oh, now Joe Biden’s putting up bunny ears behind your head with his fingers. He’s so funny.


8:23pm
Mr. President, three words for you: BARN DOOR OPEN. Stay behind the podium. Repeat. Stay BEHIND the podium.


8:32pm
Nancy Pelosi’s filing her nails while reading People magazine. The one with Rihanna on the cover. She just rolled her eyes but I don’t think it was at you.


8:39pm
That crazy Nancy just taped a sign on your back that says “KICK ME”. Joe wrote it.


8:42pm
Um. Hillary. Not. Clapping.


8:46pm
Now Joe and Nancy are playing ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS. Joe’s wrist is full of welts. Nancy must be winning.


8:51pm
I just checked and FOXNEWS is showing “Gunsmoke” reruns. Question: who’s hotter Miss Kitty or Festus?


8:56pm
Uh oh. Ted Kennedy just took off Michelle's right shoe and he’s going all “Pulp Fiction” on her with the foot rub.


9:00pm
Are you wearing a clip-on? Act Natural.


9:03pm
Hillary. Still. Not. Clapping.


9:07pm
Shoot. Now Bill Clinton’s got Michelle’s left shoe off and he's humming THAT Barry White song. You know the one. There’s oil involved. Wrap it up.


9:09pm
I repeat. Wrap it up.