Just One More Excellent Idea

As the mother of a twelve year old and a six year old you might be tempted to think I've got the whole HOSTING A KID’S BIRTHDAY PARTY thing figured out.

Let me assure you, you'd be thinkin' wrong.

After all, I am the one who invited 25 three year old girls over for a BARBIE BEACH BIRTHDAY PARTY in Colorado in June, where the general idea was to spend HOURS and HOURS slip-n-sliding, splashing around in a wading pool and running through the sprinklers.

Except here’s the problem: Colorado in June can still be quite cold. Especially when you’re wet. Which is generally the goal when one is slip-n-sliding, splashing around in wading pools and running through sprinklers.

So here's what happens when you stick 25 shivering three year olds in to a hot tub full of 102 degree water because if you don’t they will all die of hypothermia right there on your deck and you’re really thinking inside IF I "ACCIDENTALLY" KILL ALL THE KIDS, THAT WILL TEACH THOSE PARENTS TO DROP AND RUN AT MY RILEY’S BARBIE BEACH BIRTHDAY PARTY.

Anyway ...

As soon as their little feet hit the 102 degree water about half of them immediately scream I HAVE TO GO POTTY.

And the other half?

Well, as soon as THEIR feet hit the 102 degree water they would have screamed I HAVE TO GO POTTY except their eyes are all rolled back in to their heads because all of a sudden they are VERY RELAXED.

And don’t even pretend you don’t know what I’m talkin’ about.

Well, we wrestled a sum total of two toddlers out of their wet swimsuits before just sending them all back out to the backyard to RELAX IN THE HOT TUB, IN THE YARD, WE DON’T CARE ANYMORE.

And then there was the time when Riley turned ONE and I invited about 100 people over to celebrate and spent days and days boiling and peeling enough eggs so that every guest could eat their weight in deviled eggs. BECAUSE WHAT ONE YEAR OLD DOESN’T LOVE DEVILED EGGS?

And then I forgot to get them out of the garage refrigerator until after the party was over.

I was so distraught that night I actually let my neighbors talk me in to watching THE WIZARD OF OZ with the sound turned off and Pink Floyd’s THE WALL playing as the soundtrack instead. In exchange, my neighbors agreed to eat a lot of eggs.

Which really has nothing to do with anything except the synchronization of the "Wizard of Oz" and that album was kinda creepy and all those parents who DROPPED AND RAN at my Riley’s BARBIE BEACH BIRTHDAY PARTY should have been thankful I let their kids RELAX in my hot tub instead of turning THAT on and sending their kids home to have nightmares and wet their beds.

So when Wyatt told me he wanted to go bowling for his birthday party I, naturally, said SURE. A bunch of five and six year olds PLUS 10 pound bowling balls PLUS slick bowling lanes oiled up to a glassy sheen? SURE let's go for it.

EXCELLENT idea. BEST ONE I’ve heard today.




And then THIS. THIS here is what you get.



Good thing we're so important we travel with our own doctor at all times ... or maybe he was just one of our guest’s dad who also happens to be a pediatrician. Regardless, Wyatt was triaged right there on Lane 3 after 10 pounds of bowling ball slipped through his hands like a greased pig and fell on his foot and pinky toe.

And he wasn’t the only one either. In roughly two hours time over 50% of our party guests sustained either a crushing or pinching bowling ball injury and/or a blow to the back of the head courtesy of the copious amounts of oil applied to the bowling lanes extra special for our party.

Just so you know, for his birthday party next year we're planning on throwing a bunch of kids in to the back of a pickup truck and speeding across the Mexican border for an afternoon of lawn darts, trampolining, and homemade puffer fish sandwiches. And we probably won’t let them wear sunscreen either.