Please Pass The Parmesan

Around October every year I refrain from making any last minute impulse purchases for myself and starting feeding them as Christmas gift tips to JJ. This eliminates the guesswork on his part and ensures I get what I want. Which is, of course, the whole point of Christmas.

One evening back in October I found myself ALL ALONE in Walgreens while waiting for them to fill a scrip. And by ALL ALONE I’m not talking WALGREENS ONLY CUSTOMER … I’m talking about the only 30 minute window of time during 2008 I didn’t have a child, spouse or dog attached to my hip. In celebration of my aloneness and the absence of questions like WHERE’S THE MILK or HOW DOES GRAVITY WORK , I decided to treat myself to something nice.

After surveying my options … shower cap? new socks? nose hair clipper? purple fingernail polish? … I narrowed my selection down to either the Scooby Doo Chia Pet or the Ped Egg. Now, I have to tell ya, Scooby Doo almost won out because (a) being a child of the ‘70’s I spent every Saturday morning glued to either Scooby Doo or Land of the Lost cartoons and what could be cooler than Scooby Doo growing out of some mysterious organic material? (b) and, I’ve been hyper-skeptical of the Ped Egg since it first stormed the shores of women’s feet everywhere and all the praise started … blah, blah, blah.

I think, deep down, all that Ped Egg praise wore down my self-esteem as I was pretty much convinced my heels would snap that dinky little cheese grater in two and I’d be the first woman in history to take them up on their “money back guarantee”.

And just as I was about to throw caution to the wind and toss the Ped Egg in to my basket (keep in mind, this story might have had a completely different ending if Walgreens had just carried the Land of the Lost Sleestack Chia Pet) I realized THIS would make a perfect addition to JJ’s “Christmas Tip List”.

So Christmas rolls around and OH! SURPRISE! MOMMY GOT A PED EGG!

After days spent digesting pie and picking Christmas wrap and tape off the tile floors I finally broke open my new pink Ped Egg the other day and commenced to shaving enough skin off my heels to pretty much guarantee I’m back down to a size 9 shoe.

And that handy little storage compartment of shavings? Well, I managed to get a RETCH AND A GAG out of JJ when I showed him the fruits of my labor and reminded him that even though it looked like PARMESAN CHEESE don’t go sprinklin’ it on his spaghetti and meatballs. Bonus.

Only problem is all that shaving revealed two Grand Canyon sized cracks in my heels that had been buried under inches of a dried, calcified skin-like substance. And those cracks have been killing me. Or maybe it’s that I accidentally shaved all the way down to the bone. Regardless, once the bleeding stops and they get the skin grafts to take my heels are gonna look awesome.

But this is what I noticed this morning as I was caressing this wonder of the modern world … I’ve got the PROFESSIONAL model.

Says so right on the egg.

This, my friends, is not for amateurs. Sure, I’ve been benched after my initial test run but after my mandatory healing time I’m ready to take on the big boys.

That’s right. I’m going pro.

I’ve got the talent. I’ve got the tool. I’ve got the heels.

And I’m thinking it’s about time to start looking for sponsors. You know, lucrative endorsement deals. I’m willing to make room on my PROFESSIONAL PED EGG for paid logos and advertisements. Heck, I’d even let “Wonder Bread” sew a couple of patches on to my bathrobe - just like the NASCAR jumpsuit Will Ferrell wears in “Talladega Nights”.

And while white bread sponsors would be okay … I do, after all, let my kids wad up slices of white bread and stuff them en masse in to their mouths while we’re dining out at Rudy’s BBQ just down the road … I’d rather hear from the folks at Jack Link’s Beef Jerky, just so they’d let me be in one of their ”Messin’ With Sasquatch” commercials, which have completely changed my life.

So, if you’re reading this Jack Link (and I’m sure you are), have your people get in touch with my people. Let’s talk. I am, after all, a PROFESSIONAL and thinkin’ the only heels nastier than my pre PED EGG heels could only be found on a creature like Big Foot. It’s a match made in heaven.